my confession

 and i following you to put everything down.

i love you. :)

i'm sorry

 i just tried to call you. i'm sorry. i can't made it. i'm bothering you. i'm sorry, i can't be that srong to face this, tav. i can't walk away i can't. i'm here in my room. hiding. when i'm out, i'm pretend nothing happened. i'm pretend i'm ok. i'm dying tav. i need you. what should i do? what shoul i do? how many time i need to beg you? don't you believe? i'm here. i'm waiting. i'm here. look at me. please, look at me. i'm sorry i'm stupid. i'm sorry for broke your life. i'm sorry that i'm not good enough.

still waiting

 I'm here at my room, dark, blank, and silent. no one knows what happen, no one knows i'm broken. what they know, i'm just totally fine. i'm not spoke up. and i think you do. i just can't. i can't talk about it. i'm sick. dying. i don't know bout you there. but you said, you oke without me. and i'm stil wating, i stil believe.i wish you can feel my hearth. i wish you can see me. but i don't know. I just pray. i push myself to keep wuiet. no bothering you too much. step by step, one text or chat a day. i know you didn't need that, i'm sorry to keep doing it until today. i writed here all because i know i can't say it all to you, it will make you sick and mad. i just want to pull it out. i'm waiting you all the time. i never go anywhere. i still believe. i'm here. i'm here, i always here. I love you, Tav.

Bara du

 In every moment, it's only and always you. I don't know how to say without bother and make you pissed. I don't know how. You get me silent, and I got you silent. We questioning a lot of thing. I believe in US. I believe we can through everything. But you didn't. You said, 'Yeah you could, but i'm not. It killing me.'. Then i didn't knew how to say after. I can't give up, even now. I'm still waiting. I do. I don't know what you thinking over there, how your day run, I even can't imagine. I'm here so silent. Can't talk bout this to somebody, because i believe, you just need a lil time to break. We will be ok, right. I know you love me. you just tired, we all do. It's ok to take a break down your feeling sometimes. I'll always wait. I'm here.

Aug 18'20

 is this day 1?

no

bcs i still here, not just hopping, im here, waiting.

what should i do?

how about there?

is there good?

i'm scared. i do.

i cant let go.

i stay.

i'm sorry.

Myself

 what exactly am i wanna say is

im talking to myself right now in mind. so random. yeah, dont know what exactly im thinking. it feel a bit warm on my cheek , and heavy on my cheast. i wanna pull my voice out. but im end silent. my hands a bit shaking. yeah im not feel good. but im still quiet.

hey, what life exacly like? im grateful for my living, i do. i just get question sometimes. why to many things like the point that put me in the wrong pin. am i a trash? if it yeah, why am i have a feeling, why i need to be a thinker? why it not dead and i can live without anything?

for the voice in my head say, we belive. we believe. we believe. no matter that we need to be a dead person. we believe.

June14'20

it kind of a diary, myb.
i just got my 26 for the number of the age of mine. quite old huh? bit.
on those day, i was so grateful and happy, yeah i was. it was a day that i really glad that happened. the day that felt like, yeah not just goes. it was a simple great random moment. yeah, thank you, Tav.
then the day after, it still felt nice. yeah kind a normal with a bit sweetness and 'love' if i can say.
then today it gone to be a thing like, what? oh yeah, i forgot something in my birthday, even its not that important myb, but sometimes it need. we can say like we pray for ourself for the next, not just accepting a words for those who said happy birthday to you. yeah, i forget. and i guess today is the time. better late than nothing you tried, isn't?
i want to get myself back like, strong, out and also the inside.. ok, that's it.
and yeah feel more grand after write this down. thanks.
i will delete it after a view days.
good night.